Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
