I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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