Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
