If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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