i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
