I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
