Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
