I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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