My Higher Power is John Stamos
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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