this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
The police scanner is talking about you again....
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
