I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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