new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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