I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
