Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm like, not good at living.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
