i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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