how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
