I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
The adults are the big ones right?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize