My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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