DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
