so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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