I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
