One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
