This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
