My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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