Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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