the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
