We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
