you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
