The maid of honor just puked.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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