Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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