I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Randomize
