he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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