you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
