***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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