fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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