literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
‪I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse. ‬
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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