just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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