i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
