Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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