i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
