pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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