I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
