im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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