Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
