i wish semen tasted like chocolate
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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