You're so nebulous sometimes
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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