You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
