If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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