I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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