i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
