The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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