I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
