He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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