There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
