woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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