im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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